Southern grandma

Was going over some of my old e-mails. I save the good ones, those with
good jokes or funny cartoons or pics. So, I figured I'd share one of the
cuter ones, courtesy of Sandra, with y'all! ;)


Lawyers should never ask a Southern grandma a question if they aren't
prepared for the answer. In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting
attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the
stand. He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"

She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you, Mr.Williams. I've known you
since you were a young boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappoint-
ment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people
and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when
you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more
than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.

The lawyer was stunned! Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across
the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?"

She again replied, "Why, yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a
youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't
build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the
worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three
different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him."

The defense attorney almost died. The judge asked both counselors to
approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said, "If either of you idiots
asks her if she knows me, I'll send you to the electric chair."

Do you have those shoes in my size?

My husband and I took advantage of my day off, and the Memorial

Day holiday, to spend the day in our state capital hitting the sales.

We didn't get a whole lot of stuff, just a couple of summer shirts at

40% off, and a small kitchen accessory. One of the nicest surprises

was that I was able to find a pair of shoes I have been searching for.

As I have mentioned in the past, I am a size 11, a very large and

difficult size in women's shoes. I had been desperately looking for a

nice pair of cream colored medium heeled pumps - not flats, but not

stillettos either - but just couldn't find my size locally. But lo and

behold, today was my lucky day! I am no Imelda Marcos (heck, she

didn't have size 11 feet, so her choices was far greater!), but it is

nice to find what you are looking for every once in a while. Shoe

shopping is definitely not something I take for granted; it is always

an adventure into the great unknown, or unfound!

Sign the petition!

So after bringing me some simply yummy meatballs and fried
chicken from her grandmother, Lola is on her way to the city
of brotherly love to visit her possible future roommate, a gal I
will call Nora here. I met Nora a couple of years ago when she
came to visit Lola here; she is loud, sarcastic, a tad caustic, very
intelligent, and just an absolute hoot - a perfect roomie for Lola!
I was just sorry she didn't attend the university here, she would
have provided great fun for 4 years. I guess you could call Lola,
Nora, and yes, even yours truly, the anti-sorority girls. We just
don't hold the blonde, skinny, dumb bimbos in high regard!
Speaking of blonde, skinny, dumb bimbos, I just got an e-mail
(from Lola of course) about the anti-Paris Hilton petition that
is circulating online. It asks that people sign it to ensure that
this embarrassment to the fine hotel chain actually does go to
jail for her criminal behavior. If my lovely waitstaff gals at the
restaurant have to serve time for their crimes, so should this
trampy airhead. If you click on my post title, it will take you to
the petition; I encourage all of my readers to sign it!

Everybody loves...Phillip!

Well, after 2 opening shifts, back to my preferred nights. I'll tell ya',

I just can't understand how folks get up early like that on a regular

basis. There is this man who always gets to the restaurant before I

even have a chance to unlock the doors. (rolling my eyes as I type

here!) At least I got to work with a couple of my fave waitstaff gals -

Keisha, who is attempting to diet, but was sidetracked yesterday

by a stack of pancakes, and ole reliable Brandy, who has been hitting

the tanning beds lately, and it shows. Both chock full of attitude and

sarcasm, but all in good fun. And nice to see some customers that

usually I wouldn't get to see at night. Best of all, I got to see

handlebar mustashed Phillip, overflowing with all his British charm

and commentary! (for instance, he calls the waitstaff gals who have

tattoos "the heavily decorated young ladies"!) We were talking about

various dog breeds the other day; Phillip's favorite breed is the very

large Great Dane. He used to have a couple when he lived in the

country and there was room to roam, but condo-living in the city

eliminated that possibility, as it seems the Great Danes he had were

only slightly smaller than his beloved horses! Ah, never a dull con-

versation with our resident Brit...even Lola made a special trip to

the restaurant earlier this week just to see Phillip...and his ascot!

Vent, rant and rave cont.

To pick up on my tirade about the immigration issue that I
touched upon yesterday. Again, I will reiterate that I am all
about immigration - it has given millions of people, including
some very close to me, a chance to make better lives. It opens
opportunities that may not be available elsewhere. BUT, and
this is a big BUT, immigrants from Europe, Asia, and Africa,
when arriving in the U.S., were/are expected to learn English.
Which brings me to the issue that boils my blood...why the
(mostly illegal) immigrants from Central and South America
are able to skate by without learning English like the others.
Furthermore, why are we, as Americans, forcing ourselves to
learn Spanish instead of making these folks learn English???
No one learned Greek or Italian to speak with my family,
or tried to pick up Russian, Korean, or Farsi to facilitate
communications. The Greeks, Italians, Koreans, Russians,
Persians, and ALL non-Spanish speakers learned English -
they had NO choice. But the Spanish-speaking immigrants
have books, TV and radio ads, documents, guides, game and
foodstuff labels, and much more all translated for them. So
many want ads in the classified sections emphasize the need
for Spanish speaking individuals - why not Indian or Dutch?
It simply isn't fair. I have lived in Europe, and visited several
nations while I was over there, and NEVER did I expect the
natives of the countries that I was in to speak to me in English.
I spoke to them in their language, maybe not perfectly, but I
was able to communicate well enough to get by. So I will close
by telling all you American folks out there....WAKE UP, take
back your country, before you lose it right before your very
eyes without realizing it.

Immigration reform my A _ _

I haven't been politically incorrect on here for a while, actually I am
long overdue. So here is my vent for the day. I have been following
this illegal alien amnesty that is about to be given to about 12 million
illegals. Those 12 million or so basically will be legalized. I am all
about immigration. My ancestors were immigrants, heck, my
husband is an immigrant. But each and every one of them came into
this country by the book, did all the applications and paperwork by
the book, were granted all visas and documents by the book....and
doing it by the book, my friends, is NOT cheap either. Furthermore,
it is VERY time consuming. It took almost 2 years for my husband
to get his work permit, another 2 to get his green card, and in this
4 year period we had to travel a minimum of 2 hours several times
a year to do fingerprinting, picture taking, and more...all at consi-
derable expense. And folks who skirt the law, do as they please,
acquire fake documents, cards, and social security numbers, and
more will now get a free ride, plus be placed on a track towards
acquiring citizenship. Yeah, sounds fair.

Scattershooting

Not too busy at the restaurant this weekend, but that hasn't kept
me from being entertained one way or another! Lola is back in town
for a couple of weeks after departing from the great white north of
Alaska. Good to have her wry, sarcastic, twisted sense of humor
back, even if just a while! She has her usual summer job lined up,
and then, who knows? Actually, Lola believes she will end up in the
city of brotherly love - Philadelphia - but alot could change in 3
months. Speaking of which, that time frame seems to be what most
restaurant staff and regular customers feel will be the length of
Kathy's marriage. I should set up a pool where everyone picks a
"honeymoon is OVER" date for a dollar, but no, I'll be nice .... and
let someone else get credit for it! Also got visits at the restaurant
from my very beloved friends the Thompsons, the ever zany Lisa
and Peter, and gal pal Michelle. Francesca came in with her big sis
Lilly the other night as well; they had just gotten out of the gym,
so they naturally came to eat pancakes and a waffle! hhmmm, my
after gym meal usually consists of pizza or some Tex-Mex yummies!

Drug running - Tajikistan style!

My primary news site has always been, and still is, CNN. However,

the Reuters website is starting to move up in the ranks, thanks to

some pretty offbeat stories that they carry in their "Oddly Enough"

section. I found the latest tidbit from there this morning. A 26 year

old woman in the very poor former Soviet republic of Tajikistan was

arrested this week for trying to smuggle heroin inside a refrigerator

through the express mail delivery firm DHL. An official at the DHL

office in the Tajik capital, Dushanbe, got suspicious when he noticed

that the price to ship the appliance to Moscow far exceeded the

actual cost of the fridge. Police were brought in to investigate; what

they discovered was over 17 kilos (about 28 pounds) of heroin

stashed inside the inner cover plate of the fridge. Tajikistan shares

a border with Afghanistan, which just happens to be the world's

largest producer of opium (or its refined form, heroin). Guess the

Tajiks will have to try FedEx or UPS for their 'shipping' needs

next time! I can see the new ad slogan now - 'What can 'Brown'

run for you?'

Happily married...for now

Well, it is official. The lovely Kathy is now a married woman. For how
long remains to be seen....maybe she will prove all the naysayers
(such as myself) wrong....and then again, maybe she won't! But today
she was radiant and beautiful, it was her moment. Let's hope that this
will be the day she turns a page in her life. Of course, she did supply
all of us at the restaurant with a very 'classy' moment - when dropping
by afterwards to show off her jewelry, she just HAD to mention how
she and her new husband had already consumated their marriage...in
the back of the limo of course! (yes, I overheard that tidbit, Kathy has
no idea I caught that!) Changing streams - Lola is on her way back
from Alaska. By my calculations, she should be almost out of the mid-
west by now, after a long drive through Western Canada, Montana,
South Dakota, and Iowa. She will be in Virginia for a couple of weeks
before starting a summer job. I just hope her Alaskan adventure
didn't leave a bad taste in her mouth, and that her post-summer
plans, whatever they may be (unknown at this time), work out better.

Little Mermaid

Denmark's biggest tourist attraction is possibly the famed Little

Mermaid statue. It is located in Langelinie, sitting on a rock at

the entrance to Copenhagen's harbor; it was placed there in 1913.

Created by Danish sculptor Edvard Eriksen, it serves as a tribute

to one of Denmark's most famous writers, Hans Christian Ander-

sen. The mermaid attracts over 1 million visitors a year, unfor-

tunately, she also attracts vandals. The little mermaid has been

defaced once again; red paint was found on her early Tuesday

morning. In March, she had been found covered with pink paint.

Worse vandalism has occured to this landmark statue in the past.

She has been knocked off the rock she sits on, and several times

she has been beheaded; overall, the statue has endured about a

dozen incidents of vandalism in her 94 year tenure. Danish

police have linked most past attacks to government protesters.

This latest occurrence may be no different; police clashed with

protesters on Monday over the demolition of a condemned

building in the heart of Copenhagen's alternative lifestyle

community. It is just a shame that this darling Danish symbol

must put up with such childish and immature behavior. We can

hope this latest defacement will be the last, but I doubt it.

The countdown is on

Just 3 more days 'til the wedding of the year...but will it last a year?
The lovely Kathy and her persistent NY fiance are set to tie the knot
on Wednesday and then plan to take a quick trip to NY. After that,
she will come back here to arrange her paperwork with the probation
officials that will allow her to establish out of state residence and to be
able to move up north. I can't help but think that something will come
up before Wednesday to tank these plans, but even if everything goes
smoothly, there is bound to be fireworks in the near future. Can Kathy
remain faithful and stay away from the bars? Will New York man trust
her and not control her every move, who she can see, where she can
go, and when? He has control issues, she has her footloose and fancy
free issues...not a good mix, but hey, I and everyone else could be
wrong. To go to an even MORE bizarre story, there was a call to the
restaurant last night from our ex-hostess with the mostess, the lovely
Tina (and her boob job orchestra!). I didn't answer the phone, but
assumed it was yet another call asking to come back on a part-time
basis - she has called for the same thing about 4 times in the last
month. Anyway, my assumption was wrong, Tina was calling to recruit
employees for a new business venture that she is attempting to start.
A hair/nail salon perhaps, or a photocopy and print office, maybe a pet
grooming center? NO! She is aiming to start an escort/massage/exotic
dancing enterprise...I kid you NOT! And just to tie matters up here,
she was actually calling trying to find... yes, you guessed it...Kathy!!!
While discussing this latest development last night on the phone with
Keisha, we were debating as to who would be working with Tina - her
mom and sister both came to mind - and as to what the venture would
be called - maybe Dial-a-Ho?!? ;)

Dog Day Afternoon...

...Austrian style. I recently read an article about an Austrian man
who robbed a bank in Grinzens, Austria in order to collect funds to
pay a plastic surgeon for a certain procedure. Naturally, I wouldn't
be talking about a run of the mill plastic surgery story here - NO,
of course NOT! No, this robber needed the money to pay for his
transvestite lover's boob job! The bank robber, a 29 year old
mechanic, aroused suspicions from the plastic surgeon when he
offered a large amount of cash money up front for the procedure.
The police were brought in to investigate, and the truth was soon
discovered; the mechanic will now face 6 years in prison. I wonder
if his transvestite friend will visit him, or just try to find another
fool to pay for his/her breast operation. I have never seen the 1975
movie 'Dog Day Afternoon', which was based on a true 1972 story.
I looked it up and saw that Al Pacino starred in the movie; as the
lead character, he attempted, unsuccessfully, to rob a bank in order
to finance his lover's sex change operation. Nice to know crazy
antics were going on over 30 years ago too, not just nowadays!

Time of transition

It's that time of year when soon folks will be saying goodbye,
probably forever. Our fine local university is having exam week;
next weekend is graduation. This means 4th (or in some cases, 5th!)
year kids who have been coming in regularly will come in one last
time, most with their parents, to have their last meal at the restau-
rant and to say goodbye. While you are happy for them and their
accomplishments, it is still a bit sad to see them go. A few who have
graduated in the past come back religiously, during certain big events,
and drop by to visit and wax nostalgic, and to let us know what turns
their lives have taken. Others who say they will be back to visit never
do. It is only natural, the normal cycle of life. As for the restaurant
itself, graduation signals a bit of a slowdown; with classes out of
session and few students in town, business definitely drops. But it
doesn't become a ghost town. Alot of locals who don't frequent the
restaurant during the school year drop by more frequently in the
summer. Then, starting in June, there is a slight influx of tourists, in
town to see the local sights, or just stopping overnight on the way to
the beach, D.C., the Big Apple, and other business/pleasure seeking
havens. In any case, I will manage to stay busy and entertained,
certainly not a difficult accomplishment thanks to our zany regular
customers, and most of all, our dysfunctional, drama-infused staff!

Nutty art

If it seems that I go out of my way to find weird stuff to write about
here, well, you're right! But fortunately I don't have to go too far! The
picture below was discovered on the CNN website, in the offbeat
section. It depicts a work by Swiss artist Jean-Frederic Schnyder's
"Waegeli", which translates to "little strollers"; it is on display at the
museum of contemporary art in Basel, Switzerland. Check out what
these little strollers are made of:















Yes, those are walnut shells! Cut and shaped, cleaned out
perfectly, with cute little wheels and handles (wonder what those
are made out of?)! But who does such a thing, how does a person
come up with the idea to create something like this? I am not
sure if "Waegeli" really qualifies as art, but heck, you just have
to admire Schnyder's odd, yet delicate efforts, and his patience!
hhmmm, my husband and I occasionally eat mussels and clams,
wonder what what expressive piece of 'art' we could create out
of the leftover shells?!?

Shake shake shake!

Hearts for lovers, a barbell for your gym rat, or an old telephone ear and mouthpiece for the big talkers - take your pick!

Just had to show y'all some very cute salt and pepper shakers that I found on what

is becoming one of my favorite websites, Slashfood.com.

On that site you will find not only food recipes and trends, but some

rather unusual kitchen items...ie., not your everyday utensils and

accessories! The shakers above are just examples of some of the

neat stuff featured on the site. Furthermore, you can keep up on the

latest food news, such as the headline today about Martha Stewart.

Apparently, Martha Stewart Living Onmimedia and Costco reached

an agreement to market frozen and fresh foods to customers starting

in 2008. Now, as most of you know, I am a fan of Ms. Stewart, and

I still think she was unjustly incarcerated a few years back, but I

digress! But I am not so sure how the food thing will go over. As

much as I like some of her designs, the few times I watched her

cooking show didn't leave me impressed. The most recent one I

saw was a show dedicated to asparagus, one of my fave veggies.

Well, of the menagerie of recipes she displayed, I really liked only

one. Maybe I just caught Martha on a bad day, so I will definitely

give her the benefit of the doubt, even though I doubt I'll ever

sample her foods, considering there is no Costco here.

A couple of food notes

As y'all know, being a restaurant maven, I am always on the lookout
for food news stories. A couple of tidbits popped up on my radar at the
end of last month. First, there has been yet ANOTHER food recall.
The FDA announced that certain firms of Italian olives may have been
contaminated with a bacteria that could cause botulism. (a type of
poisoning that causes the muscles to be become weak; other symptoms
can be difficulty swallowing, breathing, speaking, and blurred vision.)
The affected olives appear to have all been bottled by Charlie Brown
di Rutigliano & Figli. Ok, di Rutigliano & Figli sounds Italian, but where
did Charlie Brown come from?!? Not a type of name that you would
with olives, but with kites, footballs, and little red haired girls! Anyway,
carefully read labels to make sure these folks didn't bottle the olives
you just picked up. On a positive note, YUM Brands, a food company
that owns Kentucky Fried Chicken, Taco Bell, Pizza Hut, Long John
Silvers, and A&W, recently announced that it has stopped using trans
fat in all KFC and Taco Bell restaurants. I have seen the new KFC
television ads where they trumpet the news. YUM is still working on
getting rid of the trans fat from their other restaurant menus as well.
This will not rid the U.S. of the rampant obesity and heart disease
problems, but hey, it is a start. Getting rid of trans fat does not mean
that other fats have disappeared...NOT. In any case, I am sure it will
just be a matter of time before all food firms fall in line.

Concert aftermath...and France?

As expected, the restaurant was rather crowded last night before and
after the concert, which was good. It made time go by, and I enjoyed
the hectic pace, except when the soda machine lost the carbonation,
making all the sodas flat! As it was too busy to tackle the problem right
then, I just told the wait staff to push tea, juice, and coffee! Not too
many drunks thankfully, a good crowd for the most part. Now today I
will simply put it into cruise control. Sunday is the last day of my
work week, and usually alot of regulars and friends drop by for a visit.
So, all in all, it usually turns out to be a good day! To change streams
completely, I was just scanning CNN for the headlines, and today
France has a new president. His name is Nicolas Sarkozy, a conserva-
tive; he garnered 53% of the vote over Segolene Royal's 47%. Both
claimed that they had overcome huge obstacles to get to their position.
Sarkozy is the son of Hungarian immigrants, Royal, a socialist, was
aiming to become France's first female president. As both politicians
are fairly youthful, in their early to mid 50's, I have a feeling this will
not be their last confrontation.

Quick catch-up

Just to update you on some restaurant goings-on. Got a letter from our
ex-work release chick Annie, who as I reported last week, was rudely
taken from the restaurant and had her work release revoked just for a
little 'contraband' found in her cell....oh well. Anyway, she wrote a letter
apologizing for what happened, how she misses us and her regular
customers, and hopes to come back once she is released. I was able to
find out that through a mutual acquaintance that Annie's hearing is
next week; it will be determined at that time if she will be punished
with additional time. I hope not, she has less than 20 days to go, she's
in the homestretch so to speak (a horseracing reference on Derby Day!).
Meanwhile a couple of new waitresses have been training this week,
time will tell if either of them stick or are even worth a darn. Tonight
should be busy due to a big concert at the now not so new arena up the
road. The lovely Kathy, our other ex-work release gal, had not gotten
into any new trouble; furthermore, her ex-New York man appears to
have forgiven her for her 'indiscretions'. Hence, the marriage plans
appear to be back on track...for now...until maybe he discovers that
Kathy's 'one-time' mistake is ongoing? oh, did I say that out loud? ;)

Another debate

As I reported last week, the Democratic candidates for president held
their first debate, a year and a half before the election. Well, last night,
it was the Republican's turn. Held in a highly symbolic setting, the
Ronald Reagan Library in California, the debate pitted the 10 GOP
candidates against each other. To be quite honest, I hadn't even
heard of 4 of them. There could be a couple of reasons for that - first,
alot of attention has been focused on the 2 higher profile candidates,
Rudy Giuliani and John McCain; second, alot of attention has been
garnered by Democratic candidates Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama.
In any case, the GOP event last night focused on the Iraq war again.
Most of the gentlemen didn't object to the war itself, but as to how it
was executed. Abortion and gay rights were other hot button issues
tackled. But the most revealing point about the debate itself was how
many times the name of Ronald Reagan was mentioned -19 times....19!
As CNN reported, "GOP hopefuls were not shy about hitching them-
selves to the Reagan mantle". The legacy of the late president clearly
loomed large over the arena. All Republicans dream of another Ronald
Reagan; GOP politicians try to become 2nd comings. Sadly, I do not
see another Ronald Reagan emerging from these candidates. Maybe I
will be proven wrong, but he was the last of a dying breed, a politician
with brass ones, who did the right thing without trying to please every-
one. Teddy Roosevelt, Franklin Roosevelt, and Harry Truman were 3
other presidents who were also such "let the chips fall where they may"
type leaders. Let's hope the U.S. will see another such leader in the
near future.

Some disturbing stuff

Just got done reading a couple of odd stories at Reuters.com, and
they both involved the populous Asian nation of India. The first
one was rather alarming. A farmer in eastern India found out that
one of his employees had failed to milk his cows, so he went and
found the employee.....and beheaded him. Simply AWFUL. The
next story was again set in eastern India. A wedding was about to
occur in a small village, but the groom showed up drunk. Villagers
at the wedding did the 'logical' thing - they decided he was too
drunk to get married. So, with the approval of the bride's family,
it was decided to put the younger brother of the drunkard at the
alter with the bride-to-be. Well, I knew about the pre-arranged
marraige deals in India, but allowing other family members to
step in really takes it way too far...WOW. (If you were curious,
the bride's say in all this? ZIP, ZERO, ZILCH.) The intoxicated
ex-groom did apologize for his behavior later, but lamented the
fact that word would get around about his debauchery and that
he would never be able to find another bride!